Anonymous asked:

I'm not aro or poly, so I can't speak for anyone, but I wanted to share something I've realized: Humans are sociable creatures, and need a support group. In Western society, this need has come to be fulfilled through the typical m/f marriage, which in modern times has broadened to be any monogomous m/f romantic relationship. But it doesn't always have to be that way. Of course there's gay relationships, but there's also poly relationships, and they all function (cont on next anon)

(cont from previous) just as well as a closed m/f relationship. But even then, that’s not necessary for all people. A support network and mutual partnership can be found in the form of a sibling, a friend, or a roommate, and be just as meaningful and important as a romantic relationship. And I think that’s what most people, having grown in a Western society, fail to realize. When they tell an aro person that “love is what makes us human,” it’s because they misunderstand the human (cont on next)

(cont from previous) need for community. From a young age, people are taught that a romantic, monogomous relationship is the highest form of human bonding, but that’s not true. All it is a manifestation of the intrinsic need for a support network, and community. But it’s not the only way to fulfill this need. A sense of community and belonging and fulfillment can be found in so many other kinds of human bonds and relationships, and it doesn’t have to be exclusive between only (cont on next)

(cont from previous) two people. It doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual. There just needs to be mutual respect and compassion, which can be found in platonic, familial, and even workplace relationships. (Sorry for the long asks. I guess this is more a rant. )

There’s definitely some merit to what you said, like how heteronormativity, mononormativity, and amatonormativity shape people’s perceptions of what interpersonal support can look like and where it can come from. But at the same time, a lot of this comes across as a long-form version of this meme (or, more specifically, Kingpin’s dialogue).

You assert that there’s an “intrinsic need for a support network, and community”. But how do you know that’s true for everyone? You’ve already pointed out how people used to think everyone needed to be in a relationship with someone of the “““opposite””” gender, but those people were wrong. Or how people thought everyone had to be monogamous, but they were wrong. Or how people that everyone had to be in a romantic relationship, but they were wrong. Everyone before you claimed to have similarly broad, supposedly universal statements that were just generalizations that erased people; what sets you apart from all those other people and makes you right where they were wrong? 

Speaking as a loveless aro, it feels like you’re repackaging “love is what makes us human” into a box that looks less arophobic, instead of actually looking at what you’re handling and questioning its validity. It’s great that you think arophobia is an issue worth discussing, but the problem with “love is what makes us human” isn’t an emphasis on romance; in fact, the place where I first came across lovelessness actually points out that this rhetoric started as “sex is what makes us human” and was deflected away from aces and towards aros. Rather, the problem is that “love is what makes us human” dehumanizes whoever doesn’t fit your definition of “love”. Some aros, myself included, have a complicated relationship with “love”, including not wanting to be connected to or associated with the concept, (especially not against our will); so no matter how you repackage “love is what makes us human”, you’re gonna end up hurting some of us unless you reject it entirely. 

I appreciate that you want to help aros, and I appreciate that you acknowledge that you can’t speak for aros. In this scenario, I think one of the best ways you can help aros is to learn more about what we have to say about these and other topics. Lovelessness in particular is still fairly niche, so I’d describe the state of affairs as being more of a proto-community than a community at the moment. But I’ve written about lovelessness in my #loveless tag, and you might be able to find other loveless aros on Tumblr by searching for “loveless aro”. And of course, there are lots of aro blogs in the wider aro community talking about aro issues and giving aro perspectives on different ideas.